Will Preston

Tag: Royal Wedding

It’s like a bank holiday, but directed by Michael Bay

by on May.04, 2011, under Opinion

Bank holidays. Nothing really interesting about them, is there? Just a day where the weekend seems to go on forever (and a day) and most public services (shops/post office/drug peddlers) seem to put a spanner in it and catch a tan. Depending on the weather of course. But this bank holiday will probably be referred to as one of the most memorable ones and not for the best reasons. First of all there was the royal wedding. I’m not a wedding person myself. The rattling of chains as the bride walks through a church of worried family members makes me nervous. Considering the size of Westminster Abbey, the echoes of chains must have been heard as far as Brighton. And solid gold chains at that. This is the royal family remember.

Technically, they're defacing the flag...with their faces

Like all ultimately impractical news, people were split down the middle and were voicing anti-royalist spiel and redundant platitudes of such ooey gooeyness that I thought the whole country had turned into a Mills and Boon novel for the day. Even marketing executives grabbed the day by the ring and cashed in on the matrimony. The weirdest example I heard of was a PC World advert that somehow equated marital vows with buying a new laptop (refurbished and with Windows Married Edition installed). If you’re going to get married, it’s always best to have a laptop for when things turn sour. Or to google pictures of Kate Middletons sister instead.

90% of the male population felt it necessary to voice disturbingly honest views on the two Middleton’s and what Prince William must be planning to do with them when he becomes king. And they’re not even that amazingly hot, but they are amazingly rich. Which just goes to show how financial stability is an attractive quality in this day and age. At the Middleton’s level, their financial stability must give them the combined sexual allure of a hundred and twelve bi-curious lesbians covered in yogurt and hormones. I wonder if Prince William has considered re-enacting this after the queen has passed on.

He looks like a handsome Prince Charles, whilst she looks like a bland Katie Holmes

A few things bothered me about the wedding, but one in particular was the crowd’s bizarre anticipation for the couple to get married. Almost as if things would blow up at any minute. But as expected, the day trundled along in the same administrative process-type affair that all weddings tend to. This isn’t an episode of Eastenders, people: its real life! No way would Kate Middleton turn down the chance to become part of the royal family, and no way would Prince William give up the chance to marry a vaguely attractive woman with the amount of barnet he’s shedding. Baldness isn’t funny, but it’s like a disability when it comes to lady-ing. But then again, maybe the event was so boring and awkward to the point that people started to imagine that something could go wrong in a desperate attempt to add some suspense to the narrative.

But all that aside, it’s over now and we can all go back to work a normal calm society. Providing an Al-Qaeda retaliation doesn’t decide to blow us up whilst we’re still waving flags in the streets like we’re giving them a target to aim for. After nearly ten years as a go to bad guy, Osama Bin Laden hung up his title as world’s hardest man to find as the US government reports of his death. The same terrorist leader who decide to up David Copperfield’s game by making the World Trade Centre disappear instead of the Statue of Liberty was reported dead by the US government…before they buried his body at sea in case we got a good look at him.

All Osama ever wanted was his rug back...

Now all we do now is sit back and wait for the conspiracy theories to splatter all over the place like the back of JFK’s head. And it’s not like that marks the end of Al Qaeda. It’s not like Osama (pronounced Obama by Fox News) has an entire army brainwashed using a mind control machine and the minute he stops living, the rest of Al Qaeda put down their guns and vote for a democracy. If anything, it’s only a matter of time before we see an increase of terrorist activity in the western world as a reaction. Which is probably a good idea I’ve just started playing the online game World of Tanks, as I now have an excuse to cower indoors like a wobbling paranoid twat.

If all bank holidays end up like this, I’ll be having a heart attack by the time Prince William ends up divorcing Kate in favour of an ugly counterpart, before ruling a wartorn Britain as a despotic leader. Whether or not PC World will be selling laptops to mark the occasion, I don’t know.

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