Will Preston

Twelve Duke-less years

by on Jun.17, 2011, under Review, Video Games

Well, it’s been just about twelve years that I’ve been waiting to kick ass and possibly chew bubble gum. Twelve long years. In that time, we’ve seen many shooters come and go and come again as remakes. Twelve long years. I first remember playing Duke Nukem 3D round an old friends house for the first time. It’s unflinching violence and sexy sexist content was like nothing seen before outside of Japan. It was near the millennium when I first saw footage of Duke Nukem Forever. Even then it still looked awesome. So it’s now 2011. I’m no longer the bright eyed awkward child I was back then. As I slip down in my cynical coughing youngish body, one thought strikes me: How long has this level been loading for?

Without the police uniform, can;t they just be called pigs?

Yes, I had my suspicions that the Chinese Democracy of video games wouldn’t be perfect, but really. There’s enough game developers on board to re-enact the Normandy beach landing and have enough left over to provide the catering. And these are good developers for first person shooters at that. The trailers made the game to look a little bit better than my experience of it, but that could be due to the fact that I’m playing it on an Xbox 360 rather than a PC. So therefore, I’m technically playing a PC port, which doesn’t fill me with much joy as it makes me want to buy that quad core fat bastard computer that tempts me in my dreams with its promise of 8 gig of RAM and an optional blowjob port for lonely nights.

 

So the graphics are looking a little dated in places, but in a word it could be best described as adequate. The Duke looks great in his modern incarnation, but the thing is that it all seems like one massive update on the 1996 original, which still remains on my best games of all time ever list. All the weapons included in game are pretty much remakes of the ones in the previous outing. This is both a good and a bad thing. Whilst it’s a joy to see the freezethrower and the shrink ray feature, the rest just feel like they were bought along for no reason other than to complete the set. But at least the devastator is still as breathtaking as it was all those years ago.

I forgot to mention the obligatory driving sections...

Not only that, but most of the enemies seem to be making a return, It’s like some kind of reunion that’s almost becoming a remake altogether. The only major difference is that the pigcops seem to act like scaled down hulks with guns. They wouldn’t be such a problem to kill if the aiming didn’t handle so horribly. In know the Duke has the firepower like an artillery cannon, but does he have to aim like one? Whilst the frantic running and gunning from the original have been kept intact in this new version, it could have been made more bearable if you had the same smooth aiming in a more modern shooter like, oh say, Call of Duty. There I said it.

 

One aspect I do like are the boss fights. Not only have they included an element that they’ve decided to abandon in more modern shooters, they’ve improved on them. Once you’ve strafed away your ankles dodging their fire and filling their heads with enough rockets to rearm Libya, you have to perform some kind of button bashing move to finish them off. It’s like a fancy pat on the back for taking down the big guy and I feel this has been left out of too many Call of Duty games. Why can’t they make us fight a giant robot or something instead of shooting a normal sized man to end the game? Kids today!

Feels like a reunion alright...

The humour and nudity have been kept intact, though. At one point, you enter a dream sequence in some kind of titty bar. And I mean a real titty bar. Not the nipple covering dives that GTA throw at you. This is probably the first and last time I see nipples rendered that well, which, ironically was the best rendering I saw in the entire game. It’s not as if we were looking at anything other than the boobs were we? As for the humour, it’s still there, but at times, seems to go a little too far in the wrong direction. Hit and miss at best. I would like the use the rest of this remaining paragraph to say that I haven’t tried the multiplayer and have no intention of doing so.

 

Judging the game on single player merits entirely, it’s a bit disappointing, but there are some good moments. The main problem is, it’s a game that only fans of the 1996 game would really get the full benefit of. The guns are there, the tits are there and we got a whole horde of aliens, but old Duke has arrived too late to the party and everyone’s paying attention to Battlefield 3’s lovely looking evening attire. In all honesty, you could save yourself the money by just renting the game and spending the rest of the money getting Duke Nukem 3D on Xbox live.

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