Will Preston

A full bottle of Jager a look at the polls

by on Apr.20, 2010, under Opinion

I love shopping online, me. Speacial offer at Tesco now means I have 3 bottles of wine and a big bottle of Jager without having to concern myself with touching the pavement with my feet. It’s only a matter of time before a rescue team arrive to find myself in an incredibly obese state reeking of cheap plonk and making a nest out of Jaffa Cake wrappers. That’s not before the canvassers wear away the front door with repeated knockings (and even then, it’s a question of “who’s vote” rather than “you need help”).

Nothing against canvassers, but it is that time again. Yes, the time has come to vote which flavour government do you want. Will it be Traditional Blue, Tangy Red or Mild Yellow (yellow is a flavour). And of course, all of these flavours come int he form of a suit with a side parting. A side parting sitting atop some policies. They could be good policies, they could be bad policies, they could be policies to outlaw flat caps on anyone under 40 from outside Yorkshire. I only know some of the policies, but then you pretty much go with the nature of the party. In the blue corner clenching on to the 1950’s is the Conservatives; their claim to fame being Maggie Thatcher (there was some other stuff too, but it’s nearly midnight). Pacing indecisively in the red corner is the Labour party; the one Tony Blair was in. At this point you enter in your opinion of Tony Blair.

And then we have the potential champion, The Liberal Democrats (or Lib Dem if you’re in a hurry). Recently there’s been a hoo ha about Labour being terrible and people looking to vote conservative. But even more recently, the Lib Dem’s support has risen to a point never before seen by the Cleggies. It’s rather interesting to watch if, instead of viewing it as an election, you picture it as a sports underdog film. I’ve gone as far as playing a sport movie montage theme during party political broadcasts. It’s that or bored by half promises and stilted statements. I’m casting my vote to whoever is likely to win against the Tories, because I don’t want them in. This being solely on the point that David is a boring name. At the moment it’s Lib Dem who’s box I’m stamping, but there’s something overwhelmingly tedious about all of this. Either that or the bigger picture is so big that my neck can’t bend back all the way to appreciate its awe.

Anyhoo, I’m back to the bottle. First one to lower drinking tax gets my vote. Except BNP. All you will get is my movement through your letterbox. If no one here’s from me again, chase up any orders I made with Tesco and break down my door before I die of gluttony. And don’t take any embarrassing pictures!

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